Friday, September 24, 2010

Yeni evime taşınalı daha bir hafta dolmadan eve hırsız girdi. İşten eve döndüğümde karşımdaki manzara inanılmazdı. Tüm eşyalarım kurcalanmış, iç çamaşırlarım yerlerde, buzluğun kapağı açılıp o halde bırakılmış, içindeki dondurulmuş gıdaların suları akmış...

Hiçbir şey yapmayan polisler... Başkasının evine izinsiz girip bir şeyler çalabilecek kadar adi ve zavallı birinin evimde dolaştığı, o pis elleriyle tüm eşyalarıma dokunduğu düşüncesi... Yine gelir mi korkusu...

Neyse ki çok bir kayıp yok.

Giden yalnızca iPod'um ve parfümüm.

Hadi iPod'u anladım da, doldurulmuş uyduruk bir parfüm olduğu anlaşılan o şişeyi neden alırsın ki be adam?

Şimdi yeniden taşınma işleri... Ev değiştiriyoruz...

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Olan biten.

Çok şey oldu yine. Şimdi o çok istediğim şehirdeyim. İstediğim işe girdim. İstediğim gibi diyemesem de artık bir evim de var. Her şey olması gereken düzene giriyor yavaş yavaş...
Çok şey oldu yine. Ölüm oldu, cenaze oldu, gözyaşı oldu. Sonra unuttuk hep. Geçti tüm acılar bir anda. Geçmese de ilk andaki gibi yakmaz oldu içimizi. Hayatımıza geri döndük mecburen/iyi ki...
Çok şey oldu yine. Çok şey öğrendim. Ölüm şimdiki zamanın di'li geçmiş zamana dönüşüverdiği ince bir çizgi; geri dönüşü imkansız bir eşikmiş. Ve o eşikten sonra her zaman ekinin sonunda -di gelirmiş.
Çok şey oldu yine. İnsanları tanıyamamışım ben hiç. Herkesi hala kendim gibi, bizim gibi sanıyormuşum meğer. Ama çeşit çeşit insan var. Ve bazılarını tanıdıkça insanlardan umudumu kesiyorum bir kez daha...
" ...It’s not easy being in a relationship.. Much less to truly know the other one and accept them as they are with all their flaws and baggage. Jack confessed to me his fear of being rejected if I truly knew him; if he showed himself totally bare to me. Jack realized after two years of being with me that he didn’ t know me at all.. Nor did I know him. And to truly love each other, we needed to know the truth about each other, even if it’s not so easy to take. So I told him the truth, which was I had never cheated on him and I also told him that I had just seen Mathieu that afternoon. He did not get mad at me because nothing had happened, of course. I confessed to Jack that the thoughest thing for me was to decide to be with someone for good. The idea that this is it.. I’ m going to spend the rest of my life with, to decide that I will make the effort to stay and work things out and not run off the minute there is a problem, is very difficult for me. I told him I could not be for just one man for the rest of my life. It was a lie, but I said it anyway.. He asked me if I thought I was a squirrel collecting men like nuts to put away for a cold winters. I thought it was quite funny. Then he said something that hurt my feelings. The tone changed drastically. Then I misunderstood what he was saying. I thought he meant he didn’ t love me anymore and that he wanted to break up. It allways fascinates me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all. Nothing... It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is.. One more one less. Another wasted love story. I really loved this one. When I think that it’ s over, that I’ ll never see him again like this – Well, yes, I’ll bump into him. We’ll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as we’ d never been together. Then we’ll slowly think of each other less and less, until we’ll forget each other complitely. Almost. Always the same thing for me: break up, break down. Drink up, fool around. meet one guy, then another. Fuck around to forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness, start to look again for true love. Desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one – until that one is gone as well. There’s a moment in life, where you can’ t recover anymore from another breakup. And even if this person bugs you 60% of the time – well, you still can’ t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day bu sneezing right in your face, well, you love his sneezes more than anyone else’s kisses."